So I don't know how to focus
In high school, I "did well" in the sense that I was a really good student. I could roll into class, bust out some assignments, get A's. And in those times, you were winning. Just by being able to fill out some bubbles pretty good on one of those scantron sheets or whatever. It didn't stop the crippling depression but at least I had a 4.0!
Fast forward to adult life and that sort of thing doesn't work anymore. Adult life is messy, with trying to balance family, your romantic partner, friends, hobbies, and overall staying afloat while simultaneously "planning for the future." Planning has never been my strong suit. I could not keep a planner in high school. I could not help but lose all my papers and assignments immediately if they weren't being worked on. My backpack was a bottomless pit of assignment hell. I have historically been impulsive, meaning yeah, I am going to pick something to do, try it, and see if it works. I call this "chainsaw slinging" as its the equivalent of me putting on a blindfold, starting a chainsaw, and slinging it and seeing where it lands. (For those of of you who read my last post, I'll be using this term a lot because I like it and it's fun.)
So chainsaw slinging me is kind of struggling in adult life here. Grad school! Thesis! No more classes! And thus, a lack of structure in my days. It did not occur to me that perhaps part of the reason why I "did well" in high school was because my days were heavily structured. Adults basically planned every minute of your day, you didn't really have any autonomy, and you were told what to do, and you were a good noodle if you did it and better than anyone else who didn't do what they were told... My propensity towards chaos is worsened by the wonderful world of the internet, where you could spend hours just falling and falling down rabbit holes. It doesn't help that basically anyone and everyone in the tech industry is basically saying this:
AYYYYYYY EYYYYYEEEEEEE WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!
So yeah. I get distracted. I am subscribed to a bunch of different newsletters, all of which are saying: "READ ME NOW! NOW! YOU MUST KNOW THIS NOW!" And me, being the curious person that I am with a brain that craves learning something new every moment of the day (or else I am afflicted with a very unhappy brain) I read, I get distracted. I get nothing done for the day. I get a little anxious. I'll go on walks, but I'll plug my ears with music, just because. I'm sure many of us share the sentiment that today's digital-first world is incredibly distracting. It's validating to hear that I am not the only person who has previously (and perhaps still does) suffer from an internet consumption addiction, but I decided I want to do something about it.
In my opinion, what's more important now, especially with the (often unwanted, let's be honest) proliferation of AI and other digital technologies (looking at you, parking apps that require me to have a smartphone or else I can't pay, or you pesky restaurants that can't bother to give me a freaking printed menu and expect me to scan a QR code) is to preserve your ability to think, learn, and FOCUS! For me, I know my ability to focus isn't the best, and I know to succeed, I don't necessarily have to be the smartest person in the room, or in the world, or ever. I just have to be able to focus more better. That's all!
But how does one focus? Cutting back on media consumption is one thing. No, you don't have to constantly check email. That's been my vice lately. I'll just check email. Just to check. Just to see if that message got responded to. Email! I used to struggle a lot with YouTube and Reddit, but for the most part, I cut that out. I'm also, starting tomorrow (because we always start tomorrow...) to stop listening to music while working out, walking, or generally cleaning my space (and probably working on school or career things too). I think my brain needs time to just breathe, and be a brain without having to go through so many mental clock cycles trying to process music.
Another thing I'm trying to give more structure to my days is (and I've only started this today, and haven't used it yet since it's for tomorrow) is writing myself a "playbook" where essentially I write down times, the thing I'm doing, and any relevant lists for that time block. I guess you call it timeblocking? Typically this is done on a digital calendar, but digital calendars are a bit cluttered for me and I only use them to notate appointments for future dates, as I sincerely do not have the capacity to carry a physical calendar book with time tables in it with me.
One more thing that seems to help? Only using one monitor.
I'm not sure how many of these interventions will stick, but I am going to try them for at least a bit. I'll be chronicling it on my blog (assuming I remember to, haha...) as I would like to become a more organized adult. I will put a disclaimer that, chainsaw slinging has a good track record for me. I've managed to get a bachelor's degree, work in corporate land and lose my soul, and then run back to school again. While back in school I've done a lot of cool things like bring back BSides Delaware from inevitable death after COVID, helped bring my team to victory in the Pros V Joes CTF (as a DNS admin, no less!) and have gotten scholarships to go to different conferences. However, chainsaw slinging only gets you so far. I think a healthy combination of being able to focus, being able to plan, and chainsaw slinging is a good recipe for getting what you want out of this life. But, you need to have a general idea of what it is you want. What is it that I want? A lot of things! Too many to list here, but I really would like to figure out this mysterious thing normal people call "executive function."